there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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