You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
