Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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