The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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