i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
