Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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