I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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