just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
