I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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