I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
