Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
