The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
