Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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