My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My ass is underappreciated
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
