Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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