she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
