Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
so much tequila, so little girl.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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