i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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