I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
