I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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