Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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