Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
