Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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