The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
