Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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