I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
