Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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