so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
