we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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