His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
