dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
