Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My dick has a subreddit
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
