Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
