I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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