She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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