either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
