Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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