just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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