i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
third nipple confirmed
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
