Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
