the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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