Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
one might say we're banned from that church
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
