Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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