is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
