someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize