I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize