You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
