He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
