The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
