She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
this just has baby written all over it
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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