People with herpes should wear stickers.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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