1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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