I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
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