I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Pants are for mortals
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
