Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
