I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
