And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
