Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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