So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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