Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
