She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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