So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
