The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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